A Shit Ton of Fun

It was a warm, sunny day at Rowan University. The sun was shining, the birds were chirping, and I was spending my day at the new Victoria building on campus. I was not too happy about this but you got to do what you got to do. It was just a normal day at Rowan University until something hilarious happened. Okay so there is this boy in my class who is a huge douchebag. He is always talking in class, making fun of anybody who is different, and trying to show off every chance that he gets. Oh not to mention that he is in PIKE also known as the sleaziest frat on campus.

I was sitting in the hallway waiting for class to start when all of the sudden, I hear his grating voice talking to his other frat brothers. I wanted to die. I turned towards him and saw something very peculiar. He had a strand of toilet paper hanging from his waistband. The toilet paper was covered in brownish-green stains. At first I was like what the heck is that but then I realized it was a used strand of toilet paper covered in poop. Nice dark, murky-colored poop. The kind of poop that screams I have explosive diarrhea. Then I got a waft of the boy’s bathroom and boy did it stink. It smelled like a skunk, a dumpster, and my grades had a baby. The ripeness of the shit that came out of him circulated the whole floor and all the way into my classroom.

Once we got into class, the professor started babbling on about communication ethics and of course, he had to chime in and flex his muscles every two seconds. This would be usually be annoying but today it was amusing. Why? Because he still had that poop-covered strand of toilet paper hanging from his pants. It was dangling every time he talked or got up to be a douche. He was completely obvious to the whole situation and nobody cared to tell him about it. It was too funny to tell.

At one point in the class, the professor was starting to talk about how to be ethical on social media so he thought it was a good idea to jump up and show her all of his social media profiles. When he was doing that, the poop-stained toilet paper fell onto the ground right in front of the professor. The professor picked it up and waved it in front of the class. He turned around and was mortified. He snatched the toilet paper from her hands and ran out of the classroom. The whole classroom erupted in laughter. I wanted to feel bad for him but I could not. It was karma for making fun of me in class. Later that day the incident went viral. If you clicked on the new Victoria building on Snap map, you saw a video of him running out of the classroom. That video was featured on the Barstool Rowan twitter account. It was the talk of the campus.

Life is interesting at times. What could have been a boring day turned into a shit ton of fun and I am not talking about the toilet paper. Class could be a dread to go to but moments like those make class and college worthwhile. It is nice to see people who think they are at the top of the world get a reality check in the blink of an eye. It was fun to watch this event unravel in front of my eyes and become a memory that I will cherish forever. The takeaway lesson from this ordeal is to always check your waistband before exiting the bathroom. You never know what you will find there.

Asteroids, Meteors, and Fossils….Oh My

Boom! I jolted out of bed. I had just heard that loudest crash of my life. Did somebody get shot? Did a bomb go off? I thought I was just imagining until I saw fragments of hot, red lava outside my window. It couldn’t be, is it? I jumped out of bed, ran outside, and saw an event that I thought I would never see in my lifetime. An asteroid and a meteoroid collided near Earth. The remains are the collision are raining down on the planet surface causing havoc amongst the townspeople. It finally happened. The long awaited crash between an asteroid and a meteor. I wanted to say that I was surprised but I saw this coming from a mile away.

This was a news story for a while. Everybody just brushed it off except me. I knew that this crash was bound to happen. I put warning flyers around town, gave guest lectures at the local community college, and even created my own YouTube channel discussing my theories on this crash. Turns out, I was right. As everyone else was scrambling for cover, I simply went downstairs to my manmade shelter. This shelter was made from a rare form of metal that can protect citizens from any dangerous space objects such as the remains of an asteroid/meteor crash. I thought of helping my neighbors but I decided to say “fuck it” and go in myself.

When I woke up, the next day I heard no noise. No cars beeping, no neighbors talking, no birds chirping just silence. I walked outside and it was like somebody just gutted my entire neighborhood. It was nothing but a foreign wasteland. I started digging around that wasteland. All of the sudden, I discovered something. It was a fossil but not just any ordinary fossil. It was a fossil from a different planet. I quickly went to my manmade shelter to study this mysterious fossil. I discovered that this fossil was from the planet Mars. It was a fossil that looked like it could be from a foot of a horse or a dog. I could not tell what animal it was from. All I knew is that I was going to Mars.

My manmade shelter contained a jet pack that could send me to outer space at any time. After the collision, I concluded that it was a good idea to go to space. I set my engines, took off into space, and landed on mars. When I got there, I was greeted with a nice drift a red sand. I stepped outside my shuttle and saw yet another barbaric wasteland. I took my fossil and walked around the planet for a bit. All of the sudden, I found something peculiar. The giant footprint in front of me was the same footprint that was on the fossil that I found earlier. I quickly realized that the footprints formed a trail. I decided to follow that trial to see where it would take me. The results were shocking to say the least.

When I researched the end of this little trail, I thought what could this be. All of the sudden, I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned around and I shit you not a real live alien was standing behind me. I was floored. He motioned me to follow him so I did. He stopped suddenly, took my hand, and showed me an alien village. I could not believe my eyes. I always though aliens were a sham until now. They were nothing but welcoming, kind-hearted creatures. I was so bashful that I kept looking at the ground the entire time they were talking to me. That is when I discovered that the footprints on the ground were the alien’s footprints. The same one that matched my fossil earlier. The fossil was proof that life existed on other planets.

It was that moment that I decided to move to Mars for good. For the first time in a long time, I felt respected. When I lived on Earth, no one would take me seriously. Every thought my warnings on the collision were a joke until it actually happened. Now, I have friends who listen, care, and want to know about my knowledge of space. I am so glad that I found this fossil because this fossil found me a bunch of new friends that I will never let go!


War is Ugly

War is ugly. I believe this to be true because it brings nothing good to the table. The only things war brings are senseless killings, destroyed countries, and the draining of federal money. So much time, energy, and money is wasted on the war effort and this does not just apply to our country. It applies to all countries that choose to engage in war over salacious things. Call me a pacifist but I do not believe that violence is the answer. There are plenty of other ways to solve conflict other than going to war.

I firmly believe that killing innocent people is wrong. Unfortunately that’s what happens when war is involved. The only people that should be killed are terrorists and extremely abusive dictators. Other than that nobody else deserves to die espiecally not the innocent adults and children in the Middle East. Countries like Iraq, Iran, Syria, and many more used to be beautiful tourist attractions. Now they are barbaric wastelands as they are greeted with bombs, missiles, gunfire, and chaos almost every day. I have seen too many videos with dead children hiding underneath a bunch of rubble or soldiers riding tanks and firing guns in Middle Eastern communities where innocent people integrate. These people did not deserve to die under such awful circumstances. All human lives are scared. To act in any way that causes that death of others is immoral.

War does not resolve problems. It only creates bigger problems. War is like making a mountain out of a mole hill. We cannot achieve any political, religious, or social goal when we get involved in war. Instead of helping the human race, we risk losing the human race. The immense amount of causalities that are direct results of war alone is a reason why I am anti-war. Now with the possibly of  nuclear weapons being involved, nobody is truly safe. We have seen the power these nuclear weapons possess in Hiroshima and Nagasaki. To think, that these weapons could be hidden somewhere and put into use at any moment scares me. The thing that scare me the most about this situation is people like our POS president and Kim Jon-Un have the power to set these off at any time. This possibly should make anybody uneasy.

America is a great country but we do have a lots of flaws. One of them is spending too much money on the war effort. Unfortunately, we have to spend money on our military but in my opinion, we spend too much money funding something that will ultimately destroy us in the end. We need to spend money the problems here first. Money that is being spent on the war effort could be spent on improving our school systems espiecally ones in low-income areas. It could be spent feeding the hungry or giving a shelter to the homeless. It could be spent fixing our gun laws, finding a way to cure cancer, improving our welfare programs or literally anything else to help improve the quality of life in America. Over $2.4 trillion was spent on the Iraq war alone. Imagine if that money was spent on improving the quality of life in our country. America would a better country.

Although war is immoral, I can think of two positive things about war. One positive thing that wars bring is patriotism to our country. We become united as one when we are up against another country. Another positive thing is that we know we have people to defend us when we are in trouble. These military personal dedicate their lives fighting for our country and I respect their patriotism and dedication to our country. However, I cannot respect the fact that they kill innocent people under the guise of fighting for our country. Fighting for our country should not result into destruction for another country. That is why I will NEVER serve my country. I love being an American but I will not contribute my time and effort to anything that is related to violence.

Instead of going to war, we should try to resolve our conflicts by having meetings with the United Nations, having nonviolent protests, creating peace treaties and any other nonviolent solutions that will make our world a better place. We need to enact these solutions as soon as possible because wars have caused too much destruction in our nation as well as in other nations. I would love to see World Peace in my lifetime but until that day comes we need to do everything to stop wars from happening. I am anti-war and I am damn proud of it.

The Golden Nugget

        It was a warm spring day. I decided to utilize this beautiful day by spending it outside and planting fresh roses in my garden. As I was planting these roses, I felt an unusual bump. I decided that it was just a rock and continued to plant the roses. All of the sudden, I see this bright, shining light come up from under the soil. I decided to go check it out. I dug into the soil where the light was shining through and realized that it was a golden nugget. A golden nugget that was the size of my fist. My heart leaped out of its chest. I have heard about the golden nugget in books, magazines, movies, television, and everywhere else. This golden nugget was supposed to bring me unimaginable levels of wealth. I was skeptical about it so I picked up the golden nugget and went inside. I placed the golden nugget onto my coffee table and turned on the news.

“The search for the golden nugget is still underway”

“Yes, the nugget is said to be in the tristate area”

“What are the golden nugget’s magical powers, Susan?”

“Well, the golden nugget is the richest item in the world worth two billion dollars. If somebody finds it, they are officially the richest person in the world.”

          I sat there frozen. I glanced over at the golden nugget. It was shining right back at me. This can’t be real I thought. I looked over again and the same golden nugget that was being portrayed on the news was on my coffee table. I leaped out of my seat, took the golden nugget, and ran to my local convenience store. When I got there, I quickly ran up to the boy at the cash register.


         The boy looked once and passed out. I stood there for a minute till the manager came out. The manager stood there in shock. He took the golden nugget from me and held it up.

I am in disbelief. It is the actual golden nugget. The one everybody talks about in the movies. I’ll cash this baby up right away!!”

Soon enough, everyone knew that I won the golden nugget. I was on the front pages of all the magazines, my face was on the news every night, and I was accounting more wealth then I could imagine. I moved out of my old house into a giant mansion. I brought five fancy sports cars, a backyard waterpark, a concert venue, a five-star restaurant as my kitchen, all these designer clothes, and much more. I quit my job. I threw wild parties every day and night. I gained all these new friends. I lead a life of fame and fortune. I was on top of the world but that soon came to a screeching halt.

To my and everyone else’s surprise the golden nugget only gave you wealth for a certain amount of time. Six months to be exact. As soon as the six months ended, the wealth that was earned would be taken away. I learned this the hard way when the two billion dollars I got from the golden nugget disappeared overnight. Everything I had slowly disappeared. I had to sell everything; the mansion, the waterpark, the concert venue, restaurant, the clothes, and everything else that I bought. I lost all my friends. My fame was dwindling to nothing. The guy who cured cancer stole my spotlight. I was just another piece of history that was not getting revived any day soon.

I had to start from the ground up. I moved back into my old house. I worked at the local flower shop for minimum wage. I restarted my garden and planted a whole new batch of roses. I looked through the soil beforehand just in case I saw a golden nugget. No such luck was found. I am glad the golden nugget came into my life. Why? Because I realized that life is about quality not quantity. You do not need to be super wealthy to have a fulfilling life. You just need a few good friends, a roof over your head, and some nice roses to smell in your garden.